Why Man shouldn't Change Oil

[syborg tt]

Oil Change instructions for Women


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee Free
Total $20.00


Oil Change instructions for Men


01) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

02) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for 20.00, drive home.

03) Open a beer and drink it.

04) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

05) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

06) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

07) Place drain pan under engine.

08) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

09) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing, oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

[Derek69SS]

Thanks for the ammo... "See honey, THIS is why I sit on the couch and watch TV while you do the house-work"

[TravisB]

thats pretty good marty.......lol

[Diognes56]

David

[GBodyGMachine]

Both of those are great. Thanks guys.

Jeff

[Teetoe_Jones]

None of you are allowed to touch my car after reading that.
Work on car.
Finish work.
Drink beer.

I went to school with guys like that, we called them 'hacks'.

Tyler

[bob johnson]

Originally Posted by syborg tt

Oil Change instructions for Women


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee Free
Total $20.00


Oil Change instructions for Men


01) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

02) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for 20.00, drive home.

03) Open a beer and drink it.

04) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

05) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

06) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

07) Place drain pan under engine.

08) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

09) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing, oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

part you failed to address..wife drops your car off at Jiffy Lube for oil change. She drives off 15 minutes later. after 10 minutes of driving she notices the oil light is on. She calls you on the phone while still driving 70 mph to ask what she should do. You tell her to stop the frikken car that it has no oil..she says how can that be..they just changed it. after comparing the jiffy employee to her she gets the point. You call Jiffy Lube and they meet you where the car is..and viola..no frikken oil in the car...Put 6 qts of oil in the car..it cranks and runs fine. The Jiffy genius tells you nothing is hurt after driving 15 minutes with no oil. You come unglued and call him and his family everything in the book. You have to get a lawyer to get them to settle..I'll change my own or go somewhere else thank you

[Steve68]

Too damn funny,

and thanks Theresa, the Jose jokes hurt,unnnhhhh,