Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

[intocarss]

From A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I

was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of

the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home.


I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get

the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that

burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving

target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions

in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to

myself, 'no possible way!'


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one

second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .


HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .


WHAT THE HELL!!!a


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.


The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt

to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three

second burst would be considered conservative.


SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so

from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both

nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it

[CRCRFT78]

Lol!!

[Shmoov69]

One of my absolute favorite stories! Here is another good one:

Roping a deer


(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well
and actually tried this)

** * *I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it
up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in
this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at
my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there
(a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while
I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult
to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down)
then hog tie it and transport it home.

** * *I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

** * *The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it,
it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then
received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer
may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are
spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

** * *That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for
pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in
that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A
deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There
was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had
originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much
stamina as many other animals.

** * *A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to
jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out
of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

** * *I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my
head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's
momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me
across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that
there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a
slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the
feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

** * *Did you know that deer bite?

** * *They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer
would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there
to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer
bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and
slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like
a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

** * *The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze
and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

** * *It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though
you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and
pulled that rope loose.

** * *That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

** * *Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their
hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an
animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get
away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

** * *This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I
had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at
you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the
head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being
twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

** * *Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you
while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

** * *I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So
now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope... to sort of even the odds!!

** * *All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer*