Because I am a man...add one if you see fit.

[Ummgawa]

BECAUSE I AM A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then talk about women and break wind as a form of bonding.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) . . applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest . . . like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden wondering what to do.

Because I'm a man, I'M driving--even if we take your car. And if we get lost we will NOT stop to ask for directions.

[Steve Chryssos]

No. That about covers it. Except for:

Because I'm a man, I'M driving--even if we take your car. And if we get lost we will NOT stop to ask for directions.

[Ummgawa]

Added, LOL. good one.

[race-rodz]

actually....

because im a man, we are never actually lost, we are just taking the scenic route in order to look for hidden car treasure until we see something that looks familar, and helps us find our way to the original destination.

[astroracer]

Because I am a man, if I HAD a feminine side... I'd be touching it all the time...

[XcYZ]

Because I am a man, if I HAD a feminine side... I'd be touching it all the time...

Sounds like the Madonna episode of Beavis and Butthead. :rofl:

[Diognes56]

LOL Good ones :lol: .

Because I am a Man, I am not required to know how to cook anything that can not be cooked in a microwave or on a grill.

David

[HAULNSS]

Because I'm a Man, I'll leave the toilet seat up. :yes:

Because I'm a Man, "Pull my finger" jokes never get old. ;)



Randy

[Derek69SS]

Because I am a man, I can diagnose any "noise" you describe that your car is making as "normal".

Because I am a man, I will get upset when I hear your making odd noises, and wonder why you didn't tell me about it.

[XcYZ]

I was instructed that I needed to post a rebuttal. :_paranoid

Because I am a woman, I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. *I need all this makeup so that other women will think I am naturally pretty. *Deal with it.

Because I am a woman, I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn't matter that I don't need any new clothes, they are on SALE and therefore must belong to me. Fork over your credit card, darling.

Because I am a woman, I need many shoes. I need work shoes, dress shoes, three kinds of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open-toed shoes, high-heeled shoes, mid-heeled shoes, low-heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe. This is non-negotiable.

Because I am a woman I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich. However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.

Because I am a woman, I will spend hours on the phone with my friends. Even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah. Especially if it is George Clooney.

Because I am a woman I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, your mother and your childhood. However, if you even mention our relationship to your friends, I will get angry.
*
Because I am a woman, I need to talk about "the relationship". I think about "the relationship" far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time ( 2 minutes left in Game 7 of the NBA playoffs) and tell you, "Honey, we need to talk". If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find yourself sleeping on the couch.

Because I am a woman, I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB, and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.

Because I am a woman, I have strange eating habits. I will order only salad on our first date, and lobster after we are married. I will buy candy bars and wash them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double mocha latte. And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.

Because I am a woman, I expect to have "girls night out" once in awhile. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don't want to be with me. I will then assume that there is a problem with "the relationship" and will want to talk about it before you leave.

Because I am a woman, I will ask you how I look. Lie of you hate my outfit, hair or shoes. You’ll sleep better that night. Trust me.

Because I am a woman, I will make you dinners, do your laundry, clean your house and raise your kids. Various payment methods for those services are available. Jewelry and vacations are among the most popular.

Because I am a woman, I know there is no truth in the fact that you will die if you don’t have sex tonight. Go to sleep. If you’re still alive tomorrow, you will know that I, once again, was right and you were wrong!

[BC69]

I was instructed

Thats all you needed to say Scott. :lol: It's okay, I understand that some years from now when I am married I too will be completely controled by "the look", and all other female forms of persuation.

Tim

[Speedster]

"Because I am a woman, I know there is no truth in the fact that you will die if you don’t have sex tonight. Go to sleep. If you’re still alive tomorrow, you will know that I, once again, was right and you were wrong!"

That is just plain cruel... :beathorse

We're guys. We're programmed to have sex. It's not our fault. It just happens. :willy:

[McssGmachine]

Because I am a man, I will watch TV with my hand down my pants for long periods of time.

[MaxHarvard]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.

Did that last week... and yes, i did win :D

[Hooligan]

Because I am a man: More power tools are the answer, and NO I dont have enough of them.

[HAULNSS]

Blah, blah, blah.... :_paranoid


Scott,
Do you get this magazine, too?

http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/whipped.jpg

http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/p/h/php114/whipped.jpg

:rofl:

[XcYZ]

LMAO :lol: :lol:

[Ummgawa]

I just sharted I laughed so hard :rofl: :bow:

[markss28]

Because Im a man-- I will tell my wife that I will only work on my car until 7pm and really finish at 11pm. Then get in trouble for it but atleast I finished.

Because Im a man-- I believe it is better to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission.

Because Im a man-- I lay down and watch TV in the morning and just assume she's getting the kids dressed.

Because Im a man-- The living room is a temperary storage for used socks.

Because Im a man-- Yes the dishes will wash themself.

[race-rodz]

dont forget....because i am a man... i will come home when i am damn good and ready....to sleep on the couch

[jannes_z-28]

Well guys it is time to hounor Al Bundy and his organization No Ma'am
http://www.eebell.net/mwc/nomaam.htm

I am a proud owner of a No Maam T-Shirt, it has the same high value as the Lateral-G T-shirt :D

Jan

[fvike]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[race-rodz]

yep...that about covers it for the shower routine :lol:

[markss28]

Man its scary how much of that is true.